SWF...

     The other night, which happened to be dark and stormy, I found myself outside. At first, I thought I had good reason to be in a lightning storm holding my umbrella and wearing my pajamas. However, after a half hour of drudging through an inch of surface water encouraging my cat from under my car I decided that I was an idiot. Not only was my cat perfectly safe and dry under my car but her cat door was open and only ten feet away.

     Have my priorities gotten completely off kilter? Of course, there is nothing wrong with loving your pet and wanting them to be safe and sound. Nevertheless, when I put my own life in jeopardy simply to try to keep my cat from getting cold and wet, perhaps my life needs a little shake up.

     After a thorough evaluation of my life, I have decided to try to focus my attention on something else. That something, I am only slightly ashamed to admit, is finding myself a man.

     I have drawn up a wanted ad for a male suitor. Please see below and in newspapers, bulletin boards and Port-A-Potty’s near you.

SWF seeks Male

     I would like to meet a guy who is completely unreliable, untrustworthy and can lie like a sidewalk. A guy that loves to hear himself talk and has no idea what my last name is. I want a guy that never calls when he says he will and stands me up on a regular basis, who is unwilling to be seen with me in public, and any time really before 11 p.m.

     I want a guy who will say the words I love to hear. “If I wasn’t with her, I would totally be with you.” I want a guy that is married, or has a fiancé, a live in girl friend is acceptable, and all three would just be a bonus. However, I would prefer to find out this sort of information 4 months into the relationship. I want a guy that has more excuses than you can shake a stick at, more drama than a soap opera, has more tall tales than Aesop, and a guy who has no idea who Aesop is.

     I want a guy that will never remember my birthday, and over look me at Christmas and Valentine’s day. I want a guy who wants me for many reasons, i.e. money, transportation, and sex. I want a guy that wants to stay home (by home I mean his Mother’s basement) all day, to play his video games and/or watch endless hours of porn from his collection, while drinking beer and smoking from his “friends” bottomless stash. I want to meet a guy that doesn’t have a car, or a drivers license, one who can’t get a job, due to the amount of time spent in the big house. Finally, I want to meet a guy that has at least three baby mama’s, that he knows of.

     If you feel as though you fit the profile, please find me. I will be the woman at the end of the street with all the cats.